so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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