I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
