If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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