i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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