i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
