dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
