I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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