I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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