i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
