The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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