sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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