Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
