Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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