No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
