Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
