Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
