i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
