he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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