I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
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I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
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I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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