I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
