I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
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We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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