New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
