Well douche your snatch and let's go!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
