so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
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Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
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