i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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