my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
