the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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