i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
That accounts for only three of the penises
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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