Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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