I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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