We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
