our cab driver is having phone sex.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
