tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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