You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
