So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
