and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
