Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
