i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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