Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
