Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
