K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
