New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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