Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
