no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
