The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
