I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
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