and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
