How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
