Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just cropdusted the office
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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