what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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