hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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