He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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