Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
is it fun? or sober?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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