but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
