Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
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