my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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