if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
