last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
