Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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