Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
