Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
